2 Corinthians 12:9,10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

This verse was waiting for me when I opened up Facebook. Right now I am overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness. And by how true He is to his Word. The last couple days have not been easy. Yesterday I went to see my mom and it was one of my hardest visits yet. Together, we sat in her room but she didn’t say anything. I would ask a question but silence was her reply. When I knelt down in front of her, her eyes were glazed over and there was no sparkle of recognition in them. The only way I knew that she knew I was there was that she grasped my hand in hers and didn’t let go.

As we sat there I broke down in tears. I haven’t cried like that in a long time. It was a kind of soul wrenching sob. It was a combination of sorrow over not having my mother to wrap me in her arms and the realization that she would truly be better off with Jesus.

I have never known anyone as strong and graceful as my mother. I have never heard her speak ill of anyone. She was always so quick to forgive and so full of the love of Christ.

I leaned in close to her and began to pray, I thanked God for His blessing on our family. I thanked him for every hardship that has come our way. And I thanked Him for giving me a mother who realized that her life’s purpose was to follow Christ. I also thanked Him for the chance to say goodbye. I know that not everyone gets that change. Sometimes the people we love are gone in an instant and there are words left unsaid. But that won’t be the case here. I told my mom that I love her. I asked for forgiveness for the things i’ve done to her. And I told her that my heart belongs to Christ. There is nothing else to say.

I read the Bible to her for the last little while. If she is to hear anything it should be God’s truth.

I don’t know how much longer she has. It could be a day. It could be another 10 years. But, really, all of our lives are like that. But the Lord has given me a chance to have closure. A kind that I didn’t have with my father. What I will carry around will not be grief, but peace. I will praise God for his unending faithfulness and for blessing me with the time that we had together. At the end of this I will be able to say “It is well with my soul.”

Here's What Happened

Tonight I went back to a place that I called home for two and a half years. And tonight it felt just like it used to. I’ve gone back there several times over this last year that I’ve been gone. And every time it didn’t feel right. Not bad, just not like it used to. I definitely went to see the people. And every time I went, I expected to feel something. Some sort of longing, a longing to be back home. But it was never there. And really, that’s a good thing because it means that I am happy where I am at. And I know that i’m where God wants me to be.

But tonight was different. Tonight was the same. It was familiar. A friend, whom I haven't seen in a year, came for a visit and I made my way down there and except for a couple of people, we were all together again. And we picked up right where we left off. No awkward small talk. Just a smooth transition into comfortable familiarity. Old inside jokes were returned to and new ones created. With a walk around the block at sunset and the smell of ocean air keeping us company, it was home. And I think that with the knowledge that this place that has touched so many of us won’t be around forever, I think that made us go back. It wasn’t a desperate clinging to what was but more of a somber respect for what we had. And what we had was this: a place that brought so many different people together. From every walk of life imaginable. Some for a little while, some for a long time. Many have come and gone, but what transpired there is unforgettable. We have talked about politics, and religion. And Jesus. And where the line is drawn between these. Topics of love and peace. Of sins of the past and the redemption of tomorrow. All of us (mostly) respecting the difference in opinion and agreeing to disagree. Three Trees has given a home to those who were without one, and served as a dwelling for those in need of community they didn’t have.

And as I sit here in my new home, which I do love, there is a longing in my heart for what was. Because the years spent there, and the people that I have met, helped shape who I am today. And it’s hard for me to look to the future because of how unknown it is. But as i’ve said before, I will take what I learned and I will carry it with me forever. It is a part of me and always will be. It is my heart, it is in my soul. And that is how it should be.

Another End. Another Beginning.

This is technically my 20th new year. Probably the 10th one that I remember. I will no longer be a teenager in two weeks. And in 12 hours I will be out on my own. With my own place, beginning another segment in my new life.

And when the crowd goes home, the lights are turned down and the only sound is the dishwasher running the first of many loads, the feeling sets in. It is the feeling that I had expected when I left the states but didn’t come. Too much expectation perhaps? It was an anti-climax. Maybe it was because I wasn’t necessarily choosing to leave, it was just something that I had to unquestionably do. But this, this is different. I am leaving something good, something that will end with fond memories and closer relationships. I am choosing to go out on my own and carry what I’ve learned with me. This is me being an adult, making an adult decision. I used to be a child making adult decisions, but for once who I am and what i’m doing, is being done the way it should. So what i’m feeling is this, I am sad that I just said “good-night” and “see you in the morning” for the last time to Joel and Jenn, but I am excited because tomorrow, technically today, is the first day of a new year and a new escapade in my life. I will be utterly reliant on God for his provision. And that’s the way I want it. And so it should be. So I bid adieu to 2009 and will go lay down for the last time in my queen size bed that I will miss and wake up with the expectation of something more. Good night and good luck. Happy New Year.

Thinking and Feeling

I write a lot of things in moments of clarity or passion; when what I’m thinking about can no longer stay in my head. If I don’t write, I get a lot of pent up frustration. So here I am, in Hawaii, feeling a little sick, but still captivated by God’s beauty. I’ve spent the last few hours alone and sometimes I need that time to just... be. And in this time God has been on my mind. I can feel him inside of me, moving and speaking. It really breaks my heart thinking that people can deny him, even with the Earth’s grand evidence that he exists. I watched a Planet Earth episode not too long ago on the ocean and how everything grows and works together. So that’s what I kept thinking about when we went snorkeling today. There’s so much life and beauty brimming underwater and it all has a purpose. It was all created by God and He knows where everything is and how it moves and he knew exactly what fish I would see and when I would see them, in that exact moment. He knew what it would make me think and feel. If you think about it every moment is prophesy come true. When the earth was Created God knew this moment would come. This moment of his glorification. He really is incomprehensible. This was short but I needed to get it out.

Jesus loves me this I know...right?

I grew up singing "Jesus Loves Me". You can walk into just about any Christian bookstore and find some sort of knick knack that says "God loves you". It's such a basic concept in Christianity. I hear a lot of Christians use that word but in the same breath they will paint a picture of an angry wrathful God who will smite you down because you don't measure up.

I grew up afraid of God. Afraid of who he was. I didn't think he liked me very much. I would hear "God loves you" but never did I believe it. And I didn't realize that I didn't believe it. Not until last October.

In a conversation with a friend that started off on a different God topic, it somehow came down to love. I had seen something in this friend that I knew I didn't have but I couldn't put my finger on it. And then I got it, she loves God. Her love for Him and His love for her makes up who she is. It kind of surprised me when I realized that I didn't believe that God loves me. And I can't tell you how hard I fought this. It was inconceivable to me. How could God love me? When I think the things I do? When I act the way I do? When I turn my back on Him constantly? How is it possible that I can be loved by the Creator of the universe? I also fought it because I look around and see the chaos that is this world. I'm sorry but life can be a bitch. It can hurt. This has become a world where violence and pain are rampant. Values have gone out the window, the idea of marriage is a flippin' joke. Children are raped and killed. People are starving. It's hard to see the love is this mess.

But then I stopped and I realized, this wasn't the plan. God is not in some far off place watching all this crap go down and not caring. He cares. It hurts Him. This was supposed to be a world where we were a creation that takes delight in Him. Where we would love Him and receive His Love. But that's not what happened. Because he loves us he gave us free will. And we took it.We did this. We try and place the blame all on Him. We ask why and how he could let this happen when he is an almighty God, why can't he just step in and fix it? Well he did. He gave us Jesus. That's the solution. Isn't it funny how we have the answer to the problem and we can't see it?

God's love is incredible. It is so fundamental to who we are. It is the reason why we have hope. If we didn't have it then our entire existence would be pointless. He loves us. We don't deserve it but we have it. I finally understood that a few months ago. I can't tell you the exact moment when it clicked. But I just kinda woke up one day and I believed that God loved me. I got it. It is that love that gives me a purpose. He has been with me in every hurt. He was holding me and giving me strength to go on. It is His love that has protected me. That love has kept the wounds from being fatal. So yes I know that Jesus love me and it is only because of that love that I am able to live.

A procrastinator through and through

Ok, so this past quarter has been undeniably difficult, probably my hardest one yet. My “easy” class turned out to be, well, not so easy. I took what is quite possibly *crosses fingers* my final math class, English (the not so easy one) and sociology which turned out to be the single most pointless waste of time and money ever. Seriously, I didn’t learn one thing. Nothing. At all. Anyway, this quarter was hard. It also didn’t help that I was/am going though a personal transformation making these past 12 weeks very bipolar, but that’s beside the point. So all this to say that I have written all my finals, all my essays and quizzes andI could have been done with everything today. I could have. See I have this one last little math project to do. I had a plan last week, it was that I would write my final final on Friday, go home and pass out and not think about anything for the rest of the day and then on Saturday I would do this project at work because let’s face it, I have a lot of time to kill on Saturdays at The Trees. Instead, I chose to ignore my work and waste time playing chess with Dann ( I won two out of three by the way) and work on activating Rob’s new phone. I then proceeded to go home and watch a movie with my mom. I thought to myself, well I have all day Sunday to do it so I have plenty of time. Not so. Two minutes after walking out of church I get a text from my sister- in law asking if I want to go for a walk and do some errands with her. What do you think I chose to do? Be the responsible student or go have fun with a friend? I think the answer is pretty clear. And you know what? I don’t even feel a teeny tiny ounce of remorse because we had a perfectly wonderful walk and talk. Anyway then I went to Canada last night and saw my mom. That’s a pretty legit excuse I think. Today however, not so much. I’ve been out of class for six and a half hours and haven’t so much as glanced at my math book. It’s due on Wednesday so I figure I have lots of time. :)

I bid “Adieu”

Ok so I haven’t written anything in nearly a year….but that’s okay. I’m supposed to be doing English homework right now but I’ve still got two hours and fifty minutes before it’s due… so I have plenty of time. I’m in weird mood right now I will admit. It has finally hit me that I may indeed have to return to Canada. In four months. I’ve known for a while that this was a possibility but it was always something in the far off future, something that I would deal with later. Well, it’s later and now I have to do something. I have been praying that the Lord would make a way for me to stay but at the end of my prayer I always say “but your will not mine be done”. It’s one thing to say that but to mean it is what is challenging. I’m saying that I will go wherever God wants me to go. But can I say that every ounce of me is ok with that? Can I say that I’m willing to leave my family, my friends, this life that has been established, can I say that I can walk away from it and be alright with that? I don’t know. I have to admit that I have come to love my life here. I have parents and friends. I have a job that I love so much more than a job should be loved. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to go. That pleads with God to just let me stay. For some miracle to happen that the US government will come calling and say they missed something and that there is in fact a way for me to stay that doesn’t require marriage. There is a part of me that could be content here, a part that is terrified to leave. And I am crying at the thought of not being here. But then there is the other part of me. The part that will get me through this, the part that knows that God loves me and has a plan for me. A plan that has purpose, there must be a reason why my time has come to an end here. Maybe if I was to stay, I would become too content, too comfortable. And I wouldn’t accomplish God’s plan for my life. That thought is what is getting me through this. He is all I can hold on to. And he won’t let me down. I don’t want this to be the cliché “everything is going to be alright and everything is going to be rainbows and butterflies” but somehow, it’s going to be okay. It’s probably going to hurt, but when it does I will go running into His arms.
I’m thinking I could write a story about my three years here. Maybe I will. We’ll see.