little big moments

I originally posted this on Facebook around the end of December. Still applicable, still trying.

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Ah moments, there are so many in a day. Good moments, bad moments, awkward moments. And then there are those sobering moments. I just experienced the latter. This “moment” has been in the making for a few weeks now, through casual conversations with people from work, from reading my sister-in-laws new blog and from listening to “The Way of the Master.” I think “sobering” is probably the best way to describe the moment I just had because I finally admitted/accepted something I’ve known but I didn’t want to admit I knew because then I’d have to actually change my ways and actually make an effort. Now if you know anything about me you’d know I really don’t like change. I’ve had too much in my life and I really don’t like it. In just about every circumstance that change has occurred it usually works out for the best. Anyway, the sobering moment I just had was for the first time I really realized and admitted the fact that I deserve to go to Hell. So let me explain how this has come about. Every once in awhile Becca and I get together for lunch. It’s been more frequent lately because I’m on break. So I make my way over to her work and we chat for an hour. A few weeks ago we were talking about her new “thing” about salvation. What we talked about has been swimming around in my head ever since then. Basically when you become a true Christian, like a REAL one, you do a complete 180 degree turn. You REPENT and you change your ways. You HATE sin. It’s like when you don’t shower for a really long time (or if you’re me you just have to go twelve hours without a shower and you feel nasty) anyway it’s disgusting, you feel like you’re carrying around all this crap from past days so when you don’t repent you carry around all this sin and eventually it accumulates so much that you can’t get past it and you no longer even feel like repenting because it’s what you know.So, I have this one issue ( Well I have many others but this one is definitely the thorn in my side) in my life that I really really really really struggle with. I started carrying it around a long time ago, it became what I knew. It got me through the day I relied on it so much that I would even go as far to say that it was/is my drug. It’s like the methamphetamine of my sins. I fight it every single day. Sometimes I don’t fight it though. It’s like I get tired of fighting and I figure I’m strong enough to balance both it and my faith. As if I can do both. So another factor into the moment that just occurred was one of my Christmas gifts. It’s a Way of the Master irrefutable evidence Bible. (thanks Dust&Becca) I started reading it and since I’m being so honest It’s probably been about a month since I’ve opened a Bible on my own accord. But I’ve been into this one. It’s like it has this magnetic pull, I want to read it, I want to be in it. So then I came home from work a couple of hours ago and I go onto the WOTM (I’m tired of writing out the whole name) website and I go to pod casts and I decide to download some of the shows. And about twenty five minutes into one of them there’s this guy who’s about my age and he calls in and he says he doesn’t know if he’s saved. He’s asked how he views sin and what he thinks about it. It’s this that really captured me. A sign of a true Christian is how they view their sin. So then I start thinking about how I view sin or more specifically how I view my sin. Obviously I don’t hate it enough. Because I’ve been justifying it. I think “well this is all I’ve known” or “it’s not my fault all this crap has happened to me so of course I’d do this”. So then Todd Friel says to this guy on the phone “if you died today and you stood before God, every thought, every deed, every word, He knows. Would God find you innocent or Guilty?” So this brings me near tears because I know I’m guilty, I’m really guilty. He should send me to hell. I’ve broken God’s laws, I know it yet I’ve sinned anyway. Then I heard Friel talk about Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. Friel asked the guy what God did to save us from his wrath. And It’s taken new meaning for me. I’ve always had a hard time understanding God’s grace. But hearing John 3:16 “ For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” God himself came to earth and took on human flesh and took our sins upon himself. I’m ready to cry again. So this was my sobering moment. I guess I thought because I’d gotten away from my old life, at least physically, I would be okay. So this is me admitting to what I’ve known for awhile. It’s time for me to REPENT and turn from my sin. For me to get on my knees and beg for God’s forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I deserve Hell. I need to have a new attitude towards sin, what I used to love I need to hate. I need to trust in Him. So there it is. That was my moment.