Hmm

I'm in my head a lot. I know this and I kind of like it about myself. I used to hate it because when I realized that I was doing it, it made feel cut off from everybody. I began to feel like I had nothing to offer. The more I thought this way, the more it became true. I have a tendency to think very little of myself so to compensate, I would figure out what the person I was around wanted from me, or what I thought they wanted from me, and I would become that person. This would become difficult when I was around two different people. I would start to short-circuit. This was pointed out to me last summer and since then I have been trying (sometimes failing) to stop being what I think people want me to be and actually be who I am. I got really depressed for a while because I didn’t know who I was. I had no idea what I liked. I wonder if I don’t want to be me because I’m afraid that people won’t like me. But then I think “if they don’t like me then why am I with them?” It’s still hard for me but now that I’ve spent almost a year being aware of what I have a tendency to do, I stop doing it. I’m actually getting a glimpse of “me”. And every now and then I really like who I am. So yeah, that’s my little pondering for the day.