Ok so clearly this whole blogging thing hasn’t
exactly been working out…it’s been nearly a year since my last update. So you
must be thinking “why now?” or “oh jeeze here we go again” Or “why do you keep
tormenting me so?!” I apologize if this is a torment…this is going to be a long
post so if you’re the easily tormentable type then you should probably stop
now.
So, man, this is when I wish that I’d been
writing all along. I feel like there’s so much to explain, there’s so many
details that go into this whole thing. So first, let me begin by saying that
God is so so good! Seriously, it just blows my mind to think about all He has
done and how intricate His plans are and to see them unfold over the last month
has just been amazing and so humbling.
It hasn’t been much of a secret that I have struggled with depression in my life. It’s been about a year since being,
I don’t know, “actively depressed”…that’s a weird way of phrasing it but there
ya go. But even while not being totally in it, I can get pretty down…fairly often.
I get discouraged and a lot of that can stem from unbelief that God has a
purpose for me. I get caught up in the routine, I see amazing
things happening in other people’s lives and I get so excited for them but then
I start comparing myself and wondering when God will start using me. And that
is not good. Because He’s been doing amazing things in my life for so long and
for me to not be continually acknowledging that the way I should isn’t right. Anyway, a
lot of the time I just have this feeling of not totally belonging….like
something is just…off and I just haven't been able to put my finger on it.
A couple of weeks ago a man came to church and
was talking about these missionaries that he works with. And just the whole
process they went through to getting where God was telling them to go. During
the whole time he was talking I just had this overwhelming feeling of God
saying “this is for you, pay attention”. I began thinking about the possibility
of doing missions and what that would look like. Doubts would enter my mind but
every time one did, I’m telling you, within 30 seconds it was addressed by what
the speaker was saying. God was shooting down all of my excuses. I just sat
there afterwards…and then I started crying. I didn't even know why I was crying
but there was no stopping. Then I realized that my tears were of relief. I felt
like this prayer I didn’t even necessarily know I was praying had been
answered. I went home and prayed and just opened up to God and just let go. My
life is his and where He wants me is up to Him. So at that point, I knew that I
would be going somewhere. I didn’t know where. I didn’t know when. Or what it
would look like…I just left it up to God. So a couple weeks went by and it was
still very much on my mind. Specifically though, the Philippines kept coming
up. Last week my sister in law sent me a link to an organization called Love
146 ( You should look this up, it is incredible what they are doing!) (Seriously). This organization
works with young girls who have been rescued from the sex trade industry. They
have both prevention and recovery programs. One of which…is in the Philippines.
As I combed through the site, watched videos of the lives that had been
touched through this organization, I just felt something inside of me break…I
think of these poor girls and how their lives have been destroyed by another
human. The depravity of man infuriates me. But realizing that…as horrifying as
their lives are, and as much as we can do to help their physical bodies
recover…unless they have Jesus Christ…it means nothing. In the context of
eternity, it means nothing. I fell to my knees and cried out to God. I have
such a strong desire to go. To help. To do something. And I know that that
comes from Him.
A couple of days later I was chatting with a
fellow and I was just filling him in on what God’s been doing and showing me
and through our conversation I really realized that I’m ready to go now. I’m
good to let go of what’s been keeping me here, giving that to God and obeying
His call. Right now.
I went to visit my mom a couple of days ago and talk
to her about everything…and by God’s amazing grace, she was so present during
our whole conversation. I haven’t been able to talk with her like this for
years. She told me “if the Lord is calling you out there then you have to go”. I am just so thankful beyond words that God
would give us a couple of hours and that I could have her blessing to leave. So
amazing!
So, I’ve been chatting with the amazing
family I live with and they have some connections in the Philippines to work
with girls getting out of the sex trade. And I really truly believe that this
is the area that I’m being called to. I don’t have the fine details worked out
yet, I still don’t know when I’m going or what exactly everything is going to
look like. I am hoping to be going within the next year…and I’ll be there for
however long the Lord sees fit. So it could be six months…a year…ten years. I
don’t know. But what I do know is this: I can expect the Lord to provide for me. I
can expect him to guide me. I can expect him to work out every tiny
detail, and that may look nothing like what I think it should be but it will
fit His perfect plan.
I am so so excited...but I am also nervous. I don’t
expect this to be an easy thing. It’s going to be mentally, emotionally and
physically draining. But, my God is in control and at the end of the day he
will work it out. Not I, but Christ in me.
So to conclude, what I ask of you is this: please
pray for me. Pray for my mind to be clear so that I may continue to listen to
God. Pray that I would not be bogged down by doubt because it comes so easily. Pray
that I would always seek the Lords will for my life and never take my eyes off
of Him. Pray for these next few months as the details are worked out. I
will do my best to actually update and keep people posted and to be able to
continue asking for prayer.
Thank you, my friends.
