That's a wrap folks.

Well. I just got out of writing my last final for the quarter. But this wasn’t just the end of a quarter, this was an end of an era. High school is over. Last night it started hitting me that this is it. And of course me being me, I started reminiscing. I remember walking into my parents room and begging them not to take me to preschool. That was fourteen years ago. That blows my mind. That’s almost a decade and a half. I can also remember being in grade one and thinking of school like a game and I was in level one. And next year I would be in level two. Now it’s game over. Ok, I’ll move away from the analogies. But for me this is actually a really big deal. For a while, finishing high school became a sort of pipe dream. Not a lot of people actually thought I would make it. But here I am. Done. Now what?

Hmm

I'm in my head a lot. I know this and I kind of like it about myself. I used to hate it because when I realized that I was doing it, it made feel cut off from everybody. I began to feel like I had nothing to offer. The more I thought this way, the more it became true. I have a tendency to think very little of myself so to compensate, I would figure out what the person I was around wanted from me, or what I thought they wanted from me, and I would become that person. This would become difficult when I was around two different people. I would start to short-circuit. This was pointed out to me last summer and since then I have been trying (sometimes failing) to stop being what I think people want me to be and actually be who I am. I got really depressed for a while because I didn’t know who I was. I had no idea what I liked. I wonder if I don’t want to be me because I’m afraid that people won’t like me. But then I think “if they don’t like me then why am I with them?” It’s still hard for me but now that I’ve spent almost a year being aware of what I have a tendency to do, I stop doing it. I’m actually getting a glimpse of “me”. And every now and then I really like who I am. So yeah, that’s my little pondering for the day.

A Room of Dirt.....

So on Saturday the Guadalajara missions team had its first work day to raise money for the trip. On the little paper thingy describing what we would be doing it said, "come prepared for a car wash, yard work and building picnic tables". So great, I get up Saturday morning put on a pair of work jeans and an old t-shirt ( it was supposed to rain last weekend, I don’t think the weather people are on top of things) anyway, I threw an extra pair of shorts in my car just in case so I go to the church to meet up with the group to find out what car I’ll be washing or picnic table I’ll be building. I sign in and take a look at the list, Vicky Manderson: Potato room. what’s a potato room? you may ask, well let me tell you, about 70 years ago they didn’t have fine maytag appliances at their disposal so instead they would fill a small 9 x9 room in the basement with dirt so they would be able to keep vegetables and stuff nice and cold. Fast forward to 2008, we have freezers and fridges. Dirt rooms are so passé. So we arrive at our destination, it’s a fabulous house and the people are very nice and have provided snacks, lunch and beverages. The guy takes us down into the cellar and shows us our task. A little bit of me died inside when I saw what was waiting for us. It wasn’t just a little dirt, it was heaps of dirt, mounds of dirt, a freakin' room of dirt!! As a child this would have been the ultimate play place. But no, not now. Now, it was a nightmare. So we proceeded to spend the next four hours (we were there for five but we took a few breaks, if we didn’t I wouldn’t be here writing this right now). So we finally finished at 2:00 and I went to the Skeffs house to shower up and get ready for work. I swear I almost passed out in the shower. I have a three massive bruises one on my left forearm, and two on my hips. And then several little bruises dotting my legs. I decided not to go into work and just stay put at the Skeffs to recuperate. I did the math while laying on their couch and I moved 1200 gallons of dirt. I am now ripped:)

I'm trying to write my novel but all you do is play.

I have no idea who said that or where it's originally from but I read it in my yearbook that I got from LSS and it's been stuck in my brain for the past two years. But now that I think about it, it's kind of fitting because I am in fact trying to write a novel....but all I do is nothing. I will get these random bursts of writing energy, where I can actually feel it, I need to write, if I don't I’ll put a hole in the wall. I need to put something on paper and look at it and be like" this is mine. I wrote this." So at the Trees, I'm surrounded by some pretty cool writers and they've rubbed off on me and it's ignited a spark. I gotta write. I have to. Or..................um......else. So last night I come home get ready for bed, wash my face with no less than four different cleansers then go and snuggle in between the sheets, close my eyes and then after 6.3 seconds open them again. I'm tired but I know I won't be sleeping. I have to do something.....but what?? (I’m a little slow when I’m sleepy) maybe I could watch a movie....so I turn one on..... A few moments go by and I realize that I haven't been watching. I've been off in vicky land.....I snap back to reality (okay snap is a little harsh, I glide back to reality) look over at my bookshelf and sitting on it is my birthday gift from andy and kat, they gave me a character sketch book (which I've never used because I don't want to wreck the pretty paper) but picked it up and opened it. I slid out the pen and uncapped it. At the top of the page I wrote "Characters". I stared at it for a few seconds then underlined it. Then I started to write. I got my antagonist and my protagonist. I wrote some background info and where I wanted to take this story. Then I got happy and sleepy. I felt like I had accomplished a little something so I slid back under the covers and slipped into the wonderful unconscious state that I am so fond of. So maybe just maybe in five years I'll have the first chapter done:)

First I said "bye", then I said "bye". bye bye.

Victizzle fun fact #87: I love traveling. I loooooove it!! Ever since I was a little kid I've loved going places. We traveled via Greyhound a lot and while spending twenty four hours on a packed bus next to strange strangers may sound daunting to some, to me it sounded like fun fun fun. So while I have only been as far east as Dauphin Manitoba and as far south as Seattle and with the exception of Hawaii, I haven't gone very far. My ultimate dream is Europe. One day people one day. However I have just agreed to do something that will take me to a whole other country that isn't Canada................I'm going to Guadalajara!!!!!!!!!! Yep, I'm adding another stamp to my passport ( okay okay it'll be my first one) anyway moving on... I have agreed to go on a missions trip with Sonlight Church. We leave on June 20th and return June 30th. And I gotta say, I AM STOKED!!! not just because I get to go somewhere but because doing a missions trip has been on my heart for a really long time and I want to help make a difference and it finally feels right and things have come together very nicely in order for me to go. So to all two of you reading this, please keep me in your prayers not just when I'm there but as I prepare to go. I know that this will be an amazing time for me to learn and grow, I also know that it will be very challenging but when it's over I hope to emerge a different person. So yeah, if you could keep me in your prayers that would be great!

meme

So I was just tagged by my sis's sister for a links meme heeeeeerrrreeeee we go.........

THE LINKS MEME:

Just copy paste THIS and everything below up until my Five links:I thought it would be cool to have a meme where we post links. We can post up to five. Then we tell five more people to share their links. If we all share who tagged us, our links are sure to be seen! They can be business links, favorite sites, affiliate links, whatever you want…There are Five Rules:1. MUST be clean. No R rated sites.2. Only FIVE links.3. MUST tell 5 people.4. A link back to the person who tagged youMy Five Links: http://www.vintagedutchgirl.blogspot.com/

My Links:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Random Pictures of cats. My manager's wife turned me on to them:)

http://www.inanny.blogspot.com/
A friend of mine has gone to Georgia until july and she's an absolutly fabulous writer.

http://www.wayofthemaster.com/
I have learned so much from these guys and my eyes have been opened.

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/
books books books books........need I say more?

http://www.threetreescoffee.com/
don't tell me you didn't see this one coming...

Hey! I'm walkin' here!!

So I drove to school today, something I don't usually do. Taking the bus saves on gas and it gives me 22.8-25.3 minutes to read/do homework/gaze mindlessly out of the window. Anyway so I drove today because I wanted an extra 15 minutes to sleep. So I get to Whatcom, go into the first parking lot, circle around five times, accept the fact that all the spaces are taken up by the people who forfeited their extra 15 minutes and so I hang my head and go to the other parking lot on the other side of campus. I park, get out and walk back to the other side of campus where my class is. So I get to the point where I have to cross the road, the same point that three other students have been hit by cars this year. I stop, look both ways, there's a car coming but it's a ways away so I begin my trek across the road as I’m almost half way across, I look again at the car coming towards me and I realize it’s going way faster than the “recommended” 15mph limit. Crap. It’s getting closer and it’s not stopping. So I stop, then the “sweet” little ol’ lady who can barely see over the wheel jams on her brakes. We stare at each other for .03 seconds and simultaneously we both start moving again and upon the realization that we both are going we stop. I’m really annoyed by now, my heart is racing, I don’t want this to be the place that I die. So I make a gesture telling her that she can go. So she did. And then I continued on my way, yelling at her in my mind. Grr.

Probably the most pointless thing you'll read all day.

I really have no subject in mind but it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve posted something so I’m just going to ramble about my day/week. Right now, I’m really quite comfy, I’m in my trusty black sweats and my “love” t-shirt I got at creation fest two years ago. I’ve got white cat hair all over me because I was just holding weird kitty and she sheds like mad. It’s somewhat gross. I have a bit of an aversion to hair, once it’s off the head/body it becomes my enemy. Now, I’m really not a huge fan of weird kitty she’s really moody, seriously you can be petting her and she’ll be purring and she’ll flip onto her back all stretched out and semi moderately cute and then BAM, before you know it she’s shred the skin on your hand. I don’t handle pain well, so it takes every ounce of resistance in my body to not kick her across the room ( I also have anger issues). However, she’s become rather pathetic since Mocha (the best cat to ever walk the planet who was taken from us just as my faith in the goodness of cats (that had been destroyed by weird kitty), was coming back) anyway ever since I found Mocha's limp body by the side of the road, weird kitty has gotten really really really really needy. I don't like needy, I like an animal who can hold its own and be there when it should but not be all over you every second of the day. ( I don't like being crowded, I need "me" time) . Anyway in the morning she’ll be right at my door waiting for me. Sometimes as I walk into the bathroom for the first of two showers a day, she’ll sneak in and just sit on the floor while I’m washing the sleepiness away. Then when I'm dried off i’ll pet her just to shut her up. She has got the most annoying meow ever. Anyway all that was just to give the back story on why I was petting her. It’ s pretty much common knowledge that I don’t really like her and I don’t want people to just assume that I like her because I was petting her. After all, I’ve got a rep to uphold.

This is my job.

AHHHHHHH...... today is the first day of spring break. For one week, I don't have any (mandatory) reading, no homework, no more getting up at 7:30 and no listening to tree hugging liberals rant about Christianity and global warming. So what do I do on my first day of break? I go to work. Of course I really can't call this work because I'm sitting here drinking coffee, watching Dann lose at chess to Sean and the three of us are coming up with a list of things that David Banner (the Hulk) shouldn't do for a living, this is what we've come up with so far:
-waitering/customer service
-postal worker
-car salesman
-inner city school teacher
-doctor
-k-mart associate manager
-telephone help desk worker
-public defender
-late night drive thru worker at a fast food restaurant
-hot dog vender at sport arena
-minimum wage security at a major concert
-Lynden Cup of Tea

I love this job.

I should get an award for this.

It’s finals week yet again, I go through this process usually three wonderfully fantastical times a year. This quarter had been a bit strange, I didn’t “officially” get into any of my classes until two weeks into the quarter and then I proceeded to take off for a week in the middle of it to bask in the amazing sun in Hawaii. It's soooooooo much better than our sun. (And I don’t even feel one teeny tiny ounce of regret or remorse.) Anyway all said and done I have missed a quarter of the quarter. Hmm. However I have pulled through, I’ve faked my way through exams and papers about stuff I didn’t have a clue about and only once was it suggested that I should consider dropping the course and taking it again next quarter. As if!!! Now my one final magic trick is………..getting through finals while feeling like crap. I’m sick……again….two weeks ago I was sick then I got better. Then Daph came home from Disneyland carrying some infectious virus that has ripped its way through our household knocking myself and my mother off our feet ( that we can never seem to get warm) and into our beds which are stacked to the roof with blankets. It’s pathetic really. Now picture this: I’m sitting at the counter pouring over my political science book writing notes viciously and every fifteen minutes or so putting the LC sweatshirt that I just took off, back on, One minutes I feel like I’m in the Antarctic the next I’m in the Sahara desert. All this while trying to retain everything I’m reading because, me being me, I left all my studying to the night before the exam because “it’s just that easy” blah. I didn’t factor illness into my studying plans. It’s ok, it worked out, I went to class this morning and hacked and sneezed my way through the exam, I’m sure the other people adored the background sound effects I provided and the guy next to me was soooooo thankful he chose the seat rightnexttomine instead of the other open one two seats down. I’m lovely like that.

Oh sleep, where art thou?

Another little fun fact about me: sleep and I, aren’t the greatest of friends. As far as I can remember I have rarely had a decent, blissful, completely oblivious unconsciousness to all surroundings for a full eight hours. That’s fine. I’ve come to terms with it. That’s what night is for me. Every now and then I’ll go through phases where I can’t sleep because the monster under the bed made a deal with the sandman so he could chase me in my dreams for awhile but usually I can go through the night waking only two or three times, long enough to look around, see that I’m still in my room and roll over and fall right back into the lovely unconscious state that I am so fond of. However, then there are nights like these. I wake up and I can’t breathe out of my right nostril. That’s annoying. I lay there some more. Okay well this is ridiculous. I get up, walk the 11.3 paces into my bathroom, grab tissue, unclog said nostril, start hacking uncontrollably, hope I didn’t wake Daph up…..is she even down here tonight? I didn’t hear her come down. The hall light is on, that’s usually a good indicator if she is in her bed or not…..hmm…..I wonder if she can hear me typing…..anyway……so I’m hacking away, I go back to my room to get my water bottle so I can fill it with the calorie free, see through, liquid goodness that runs through our taps, ( I think the only time I drink water is when I realize I’m about to pass out because of dehydration, and when I’m sick) anyway on my way to get the bottle I pass weird kitty sitting in front of my door. She has this uncanny ability to appear from nowhere and yet look as if she’s been in that spot forever. Creepy. So I step over her, grab the bottle from my book case, fill ‘er up and go back to my room. Weird kitty, still there. Alright fine, she can come in but if she makes one noise she’s out! I crawl in between the sheets, snuggle up to my pillow husband and close my eyes…….riiiiiiiip riiiiiiiiip UGGGGHHHH!!! she’s scratching my carpet! I jump up, grab weird kitty and throw her out. Yes, I threw her, she has nine lives I’m sure she’ll be fine. I go back to bed. I’m awake. I can’t feel the sleep droopiness around my eyes any longer. I did too much….. Half an hour goes by, I remember back to my psychology class, apparently it’s good for you to get up and do something for a bit and then try and go back to sleep, it’s better than lying there or something. I don’t know I’ve never tried it. Then I think " hey, I’ve got a blog now, this could be something to write about", so I start planning all this out in my head, then I think why not kill two birds with one stone? I could go post this and test out the theory from psych class. What a capital idea. So here I am, not asleep boring you with me not being asleep. I thik I need to go to sleep. Okay I think that’s enough now. I can feel sleep around my eyes again. Goodnight.

Who knew?.....Oh, that's right He did.

I was going to try and ease into the blogging business by using my defense mechanism of unfunny humor, but today I can't really seem to muster it up. This is a bittersweet day for me. Today is the three year anniversary of when my mom first became ill. When I woke up March 17 2005, I had no idea what was about to happen. It took me about six months to begin to see what God was doing. At the time, I was scared, angry and very confused. I wasn't living for the Lord by any means. I was living in blatant rejection of Him. Looking back at the last three years of my life, I can't believe the journey God has taken me on. He's led me to two different homes and a new country. He's given me a new father and mother and whole bunch of brothers and sisters. While still allowing me the honor of having my Mom and Richard in my life. Looking back three years, I was a shell of what I am now. In the last six months He has started me on the path of spiritual healing, something that I never really knew I needed. It hurts sometimes more than I'd like but I'm going to keep going because I know it's what He wants from me. So this time three years ago I was sitting in the hospital in FSJ looking at my mom who was hooked up to a million machines, wondering why this had to happen. I never thought that this is where I would end up but I praise God for bringing me here.

little big moments

I originally posted this on Facebook around the end of December. Still applicable, still trying.

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Ah moments, there are so many in a day. Good moments, bad moments, awkward moments. And then there are those sobering moments. I just experienced the latter. This “moment” has been in the making for a few weeks now, through casual conversations with people from work, from reading my sister-in-laws new blog and from listening to “The Way of the Master.” I think “sobering” is probably the best way to describe the moment I just had because I finally admitted/accepted something I’ve known but I didn’t want to admit I knew because then I’d have to actually change my ways and actually make an effort. Now if you know anything about me you’d know I really don’t like change. I’ve had too much in my life and I really don’t like it. In just about every circumstance that change has occurred it usually works out for the best. Anyway, the sobering moment I just had was for the first time I really realized and admitted the fact that I deserve to go to Hell. So let me explain how this has come about. Every once in awhile Becca and I get together for lunch. It’s been more frequent lately because I’m on break. So I make my way over to her work and we chat for an hour. A few weeks ago we were talking about her new “thing” about salvation. What we talked about has been swimming around in my head ever since then. Basically when you become a true Christian, like a REAL one, you do a complete 180 degree turn. You REPENT and you change your ways. You HATE sin. It’s like when you don’t shower for a really long time (or if you’re me you just have to go twelve hours without a shower and you feel nasty) anyway it’s disgusting, you feel like you’re carrying around all this crap from past days so when you don’t repent you carry around all this sin and eventually it accumulates so much that you can’t get past it and you no longer even feel like repenting because it’s what you know.So, I have this one issue ( Well I have many others but this one is definitely the thorn in my side) in my life that I really really really really struggle with. I started carrying it around a long time ago, it became what I knew. It got me through the day I relied on it so much that I would even go as far to say that it was/is my drug. It’s like the methamphetamine of my sins. I fight it every single day. Sometimes I don’t fight it though. It’s like I get tired of fighting and I figure I’m strong enough to balance both it and my faith. As if I can do both. So another factor into the moment that just occurred was one of my Christmas gifts. It’s a Way of the Master irrefutable evidence Bible. (thanks Dust&Becca) I started reading it and since I’m being so honest It’s probably been about a month since I’ve opened a Bible on my own accord. But I’ve been into this one. It’s like it has this magnetic pull, I want to read it, I want to be in it. So then I came home from work a couple of hours ago and I go onto the WOTM (I’m tired of writing out the whole name) website and I go to pod casts and I decide to download some of the shows. And about twenty five minutes into one of them there’s this guy who’s about my age and he calls in and he says he doesn’t know if he’s saved. He’s asked how he views sin and what he thinks about it. It’s this that really captured me. A sign of a true Christian is how they view their sin. So then I start thinking about how I view sin or more specifically how I view my sin. Obviously I don’t hate it enough. Because I’ve been justifying it. I think “well this is all I’ve known” or “it’s not my fault all this crap has happened to me so of course I’d do this”. So then Todd Friel says to this guy on the phone “if you died today and you stood before God, every thought, every deed, every word, He knows. Would God find you innocent or Guilty?” So this brings me near tears because I know I’m guilty, I’m really guilty. He should send me to hell. I’ve broken God’s laws, I know it yet I’ve sinned anyway. Then I heard Friel talk about Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. Friel asked the guy what God did to save us from his wrath. And It’s taken new meaning for me. I’ve always had a hard time understanding God’s grace. But hearing John 3:16 “ For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” God himself came to earth and took on human flesh and took our sins upon himself. I’m ready to cry again. So this was my sobering moment. I guess I thought because I’d gotten away from my old life, at least physically, I would be okay. So this is me admitting to what I’ve known for awhile. It’s time for me to REPENT and turn from my sin. For me to get on my knees and beg for God’s forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I deserve Hell. I need to have a new attitude towards sin, what I used to love I need to hate. I need to trust in Him. So there it is. That was my moment.

I Caved...

I did it…finally, after months of ignoring the incessant mutterings in my ear, after three unconnected people randomly asking me if I was writing again, after my fears of rejection having been laid aside (*note* not forever removed just put to the side, being ignored), after reading and becoming very addicted to other blogs, I am going to write one of my very own. However, don’t expect regular updates. I make no promises. There’s a chance I will write something everyday keeping all of one of you updated on the little ramblings that comprise my life. There is also another chance that once this gets posted, I will promptly forget about this and move on…. We’ll see.