Why does the writing mood strike when I’m so tired?
Every.Time.
Well, it’s been three weeks today since my mom passed. It
feels like years already. I barely remember her memorial, but there are bits
and pieces that cling to my heart. I remember the feeling afterwards…such peace…and even joy. God was glorified and my mom was honored. Her life is such
a testament to God’s goodness. I walked
away feeling like I learned so much more about her…and where I got some of my
quirks from.
I crashed the following evening. I remember the moment
distinctly, I was driving with my cousin and I felt the grief coming, I felt it
begin to nag and drag me down. And every day has been up and down ever since. I
was in an angry stage last week. Frustrated with everything. Overwhelmed with
reality and hurt because other people get to keep going. And I’m not ready to.
It’s amazing what goes through one’s mind. It’s easy to get caught up in the
thought that grief can justify whatever. I’ve thought about drinking until I
pass out. Or maybe going for a drive and not coming back. Or just hermitting away
and living in my sweat pants.
In the moment, each scenario has its merits. Then I remember
God. And I remember how much I want to be faithful to him. And I don’t want to
get caught up in just soothing the pain, but not dealing with it and not
seeking Him for healing.
Yesterday, I was reading a sermon about how Jesus has
experienced everything that man has. Every pain, every struggle, everything
that causes anguish except for him, it was tenfold.
Separated from His Father. Crucified by the people he loves
and came to save. I was reminded how quickly I am to isolate and get sucked
into my own little world. How everything becomes about me. But it’s not.
I am not saying grief is not ok. It is. You need to feel it,
to go through it, to process it. It’s ok to be hurting. It’s ok to say so.
But my ultimate comfort comes from Christ, not man. My hope
is in Him. And He’s already gone through it. As I said in my previous post,
this is when it counts.
Grief hurts. I feel like a part of me is missing now that my
mom is gone. I find it hard to breathe at times, when I think of her. But this
is a time that will build character…it will push me to grow and strengthen. I
want to come out of it, better and closer to God. It’s going to be a long road…and I can’t wait
until I’ve come through on the other side. I don’t want to waste it.
